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Yama Kawa, Mountian River

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Only way is Up and a little to the left...lol [Oct. 4th, 2010|12:36 pm]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]

I see myself staring at the ceiling just thinking of the what ifs of life. What if things had been different, would it have done me any good?

I wouldn't make any changes, not for anything. All the lessons learned, the difficulties over come. The people left in the wake of my passing, in the blink of an eye. But as I look back, I don't want to look back. I don't want to remember the past, in almost all its entirety. No good came out of looking back. I find myself getting angry at remembering the past. But not at myself. Mainly about the situations, and the decisions made to prohibit me from growing sooner.

I'm glad where i am now. On the road to recovery from a dismal track that lead to no where but agony and dismay. I don't have anyone that influences me negatively, unloving, uncaring. No one that treats me like a hopeless cause. What I feel now, is happiness, I'm alive again and I like it. I feel joy in the simplest things, I feel ecstatic when I go to the dog park and watch my dog just run all over and have that look of pure exhilaration! And I'm right there with her. Even when the days where life just seems to say F**K you, I just get over it within seconds and am on to having a better day!

Soon, and I mean soon, I will have my own place again. You have no idea how excited I am. Ok... gimme until spring...lol. That's soon enough to me. I'm proud of myself again, PROUD! I haven't felt like that in years!!! Wow, years... that's saddening just saying that alone. But to see the progress of my life, I so happy to be on the right track again. It's been a long time coming, and I'm going to go with the flow of it!

So that's my up date.
On a positive and up beat tempo. It's a tempo that i can listen to for the rest of my life. Now to find someone that can match this tempo and never let it slow. All in due time...lol
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(no subject) [Jul. 14th, 2010|11:42 pm]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
I couldn't bare the thought of not being able to call him and him not answer.
To never hear his goofy ass laugh, to see his goofy ass smile.....
If there was something I could do right here right now for him, I would do it. Leave everything for him, no matter what has happened between us......

The hurt, the pain, the heartbreaks..... I don't care about it at all.... I'd do it all again and again and again.

To take away any sadness, anything that didn't make him happy, I do for him still.

I hated to leave him..... I never wanted to, but it is done. But I wish I could be there as a friend that loves him with all her heart and soul.

He'll probably never read this, and that's ok. And quite honestly, I suppose it doesn't even matter..... But it helps me really.

It's been almost a year now, but it feels like an eternity. And even now, my bed feels so empty and quite....

Wish I could've been more for him, done more for him than I did. I guess I gave up without a fight. I regret it in a way. Wish we had met about now instead of those years ago, to mature, to grow into my own, and to know what I really want and how I want it to be. To know I can do something without having to make everyone happy....

To do this, would have been awesome back then. I think I gave up..... I know I gave up. More on myself..... never on him. Just the whole situation of never measuring up to where he held me.... But it was always wonderful to know he held me to a higher level than I thought I could ever be. He saw something in me I've never seen in myself.... Potential.

He always sees the potential in people that we can never see in ourselves for some reason. Strange how that is isn't it?
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(no subject) [Jun. 28th, 2010|11:02 pm]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
Inside my heart is aching
My make up may be flaking

But my smile..... Still stays on.....

The show must go on.

I've been singing this song for a few days now. I don't know why, but I suppose it's because I'm not 100% happy right now.

I keep talking to people that I've dated in the past, and I don't think that's a good idea. It's really not benefiting me at all really. No one's made the effort to come see me here. I tried seeing people in georgia, but it wasn't any better.

Anyway, I know I need to get out there and meet new people. I think it's the fear of actually meeting people I like and then them not liking me or whatever. Perhaps It's just the fear that they will all leave me.... I dunno. I sort of don't care anymore. I'm ok being alone, but I wish I at least had the company of someone.....

le sigh

I wish I had someone to talk to..... Someone to confide in....
I don't have that anymore.... I don't have someone to tell anything and everything to.... Or just to talk about nothing and feel like I've talked about everything.

I miss having my friends near me. To drive over to their house and forget about things.

Oh well..... I guess I'll have to be enough for myself for now.
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(no subject) [Jun. 21st, 2010|09:31 pm]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
Why is it that I'm only talked to when someone is drunk, and that's when they think of me, to talk to ME?

The I love you's, the I miss you's, the why did you have to ruin it alls. IT's been almost a year, yet it feels like yesterday when I made it out here. It's been a while since I've been able to think of myself as stable and strong enough to handle anything. That I have "moved on", and nothing in this world would bring me back out there...

I feel sad, sad that when we were together I lost myself. I feel sad that I still love, but am not in love. That when we were apart, we made it. But together, we fell apart. I wanted more than was given to me. I hate that I still dream about the "what if's", and the "could it ever have worked out"?

But then I see myself and what I've become and how I think about things, and I like this me that I had forgotten. The fun me, the wants to make friends with everyone I meet me, the damn everyone loves to be around me me.... I'm getting back to that every day now. And I'm happy, I'm freakishly happy. I laugh more than I think I ever have in a long while, I dance because I can!

But I am lonely all at the same time. Even in 100 degree weather, my bed still feels so cold and empty. Sometimes I lay awake and staring at the other side, wanting to poke him for snoring, or to brush back the hair away from his eyes cause I know he can't stand it in his face.... I miss some routines... and I miss the feelings of something no one else had with him.

But I couldn't stand the stupid bitches he kept in his life.... And it caused more drama in my head then he'll ever know. If I could have, I would've been extremely violent to them.... but instead I used the "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" method.... obviously, the enemies won.

I'm free of all of it, and I"m not looking back. I can't.... There are times where I wish I could, and that maybe now since I've grown up from all of the bullshit things would be better.... But I know they won't. Too much history, too much pain. I get angry at even thinking about it.... I get sad at the same time for not wanting to fix it when I could have.

Maybe I just wanted out? Maybe I was just tired of always being a disappointment, for always failing him? Or maybe I just did what ever I could to get some sort of emotion from it? Or maybe I just wanted something more than I could ever get out of it?

Either way I put it, I know it isn't a one way street. There were things we both had to work on. I think we just gave up. Had enough of each other. We were always around each other, doing damn near everything together.... It gets old quickly. All my best friends left me. All my social friends were mainly his friends. And all the rest were just people I had hung out with and never talked to anymore.

Like I said.... I lost myself, forgot to look out for me first, and others later, including him. I never should've moved in.... ever. lol.

I learned my lessons, I learned a better way to be....

I refuse to back track ever again. I refuse to lose myself in anyone other than myself.

I will keep looking forward, I will keep bettering myself, and I will get to where I know I want to be.
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(no subject) [May. 27th, 2010|04:11 pm]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
Today I deleted anything that reminds me of him. It was sort of refreshing. Like, the chapter is finally closed and now i need to find a better book to invest in reading about.
I don't know why it's been so much on my mind. Maybe it's because it isn't the same person i knew back then. It's unreal how one can change in a year.
I hope I've changed more than I know. I would hope so. Got to say, I know I have. For the better I think.
Everyone kept telling me, "Aren't you glad you're out of that whole mess".... It amazes me that i didn't see it before.... I don't think it was that bad when I was there, but maybe I was blind to it all.

Anyway, I guess I'm done with it all now. No real reason to stay in much communication it seems. No one called to make sure I made it home safe, or to say it was good to see you (ok, 2 people did, but that's all). It amazes me what I would do for others and it not have done to me.... Friends.... don't have many of them that are true friends. I know there are the ones i didn't get to see when i was in georgia that would've helped in a second. You learn quickly who your friends are when you're in need.

Anyway.... I guess I'm really done yapping now.
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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2010|08:18 pm]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
It was disappointing in being in Georgia.... Wasn't worth it at all. Only 6 people I got to see when i was there, and all but one of them was worth spending any time with. There were people I wanted to see, but I didn't have time and I wish I had more time to see them when I was there.
I wish it was worth it to even see him but it wasn't really. Kind of sad, dark and depressing. I was looking forward to seeing him and seeing what his life was like, and now I wish I hadn't seen him at all really. I hate saying it, but it's true.

I'm just glad I'm out of georgia and done with it all. I never want to go back other than to see a few friends, and that's the only thing that could ever get me back there again.

Anyway, I guess I'm done for now... I just wanted to get that off my mind i suppose. I dunno, I just wish it could've gone better than what it did. At least I got the stuff that mattered the most to me and was irreplaceable out of there and into safe holding or in my car to bring it back with me to texas.

I should've just got everything out the first time..... never trust your shit will be taken care of properly by anyone other than yourself.

The good thing out of the trip was my new car, and that's about it.....

I guess it's like what everyone was telling me in the first place, should've gotten out sooner than I did. Lesson learned, experience gained, gil gone.... lol
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The hardest thing i'll have to ever write.... [Apr. 13th, 2010|12:44 am]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
[mood |depresseddepressed]

Thursday started out ok. I went to the petsmart to get her new food in hopes that she would start eating again. Got lots of food. She was with me, and I tried to put her in the cart so she wouldn't have to worry about running into things. She didn't like that and kinda freaked out, so I took her out of the cart. When ever I stopped she would sprawl out on the ground as if she was exhausted. I had to drag her pretty much everywhere we went in there. I was so worried that she would run into things, so I went slowly and made sure she didn't. I tried giving her a treat that they have at the register... she wouldn't even lick it. She stopped in the middle of the road on the way to the car. Got startled when I opened the car door to let her in.
Went home.
Opened 2 cans and she wouldn't touch them. Got her vitamins to help with her joints, she wouldn't touch it either.

So I went to take her to go potty, and she had such a hard time going down the stairs.... stumbled at the last steps.... Hesitated at the second set of stairs... only 5 steps though. But she had a hard time none the less. She stopped in the middle of the street, like she was unsure of where she was, where she was going. Finally I coaxed her to the grass, she went potty.... the again, and the one last time. She was getting confused where to go next. Wondering where I was, where I was taking her, which was only back up the stairs into the house.
Again, stopped in the middle of the road and I had to tug on her to come with me. We went really slowly up the stairs, which she stumbled.... Taking her time to make sure she was able to see each step... it was hard for her to do that, she was loosing her sight. The right eye was blocked from the ulcers she got in it, so it clotted up with blood. It was that or remove the eye, I couldn't do that to her. Her left eye had cataracts.... She would have a hard time finding us when we called her to us. Couldn't see where you were unless you moved around.
Finally got up the stairs.

Tried feeding her again.... all she would do is drink her water. EVen then she drank so much of it on an empty stomach it came up a bit. And so I bring her to her bed, and she was shaking. She'd been shaky for a couple of days, I was hoping it wasn't anything. Thinking it might have been because it was the bath i gave her a couple of days before. But I knew it wasn't.

I called my mom, asking what I should do, I had a bad feeling and I wanted to make sure she'd be ok. I was thinking she'd just need more pain meds because she might have severe arthritis, so i was hoping they'd give me something for her to take, and to something to make her eat.

I took her to the vet... They ordered blood work, and I was hoping it wouldn't be anything. Just making sure nothing was wrong. The vet came back.... Told me she thinks brandy has kidney failure, needed to do a urinalysis to be 100%. And It was kidney failure.... During this entire time brandy's body was shaking non stop. And when the vet told me this, I broke down and cried.... Asked what could we do.... Can we cure it?
The vet said "i'd have to prescribe a special kind of food, do I.V. Fluids every episode of pain, but won't give her any pain meds."
I didn't like the sound of this, to prolong brandy's life like this.... One which would have been painful... One which would have been her starving herself cause she wasn't feeling good.... Not eating... shaking uncontrollably.... knowing that she was in pain....

I couldn't do that to her. 15 years of this beautiful girl, this loving caring and unconditional love.... I couldn't let her live in pain just for my selfishness of wanting her here.

I called my mom and told her to get to the vet asap.

When she came I told her what was going on, and what we should do.

She agreed.... To let her go was the best thing for her. We didn't want her to get worse and worse while we knew she was in pain, and to prolong her pain wasn't fair to her. We needed to let her go... for her.

WE cried, oh god we cried.

They took her back to put the IV tube thing in her arm.... brought her back and gave us some time to tell her we loved her, and we are doing this because we love her.
She licked our tears away... I don't think she was scared, but I don't know if she knew what was going on, just that we were sad. She didn't like seeing us sad, or hurting. And vice versa. During this entire time she was still shaking.

I Put her in my lap.... and held her while the vet administered the sedation meds.

Her body went completely limp... She became so heavy, no movement of her body. I wasn't expecting it to be so quick like that. I was hoping she would slowly go to sleep while I was able to pet her asleep. IT was too quick.

Finally, the vet gave the final meds to let her go. Her last breaths were so heartbreaking. Three last breaths.... Then nothing..... I was so scared she might have been in pain, but she wasn't.

The vet left and gave us as much time as we needed.

I held her so close to me. Crying out OH GOD NO. PLEASE NO. I stroked her face, I pressed my head to her head... Saying "oh god I'm sorry brandy... oh i'm so sorry... please understand and forgive me"
It felt like I had killed her. That maybe I had just done the wrong thing.... I wanted to reverse it, change my mind and make them bring her back
But I knew that what was just done was for the best for her.
She was pain free. Not starving herself to death. No holding on just for us, even though she was in pain.
We didn't know she was in pain because of her kidneys until that day. Thought it was just because she was old and her joints were getting bad.

Finally, we had to let her go. My mom lifted her onto the counter.... Her limp body not resisting being put on there like she usually did.... She was gone, she couldn't.
I hugged her, kissed her goodbye, and the vet. assistant picked her up and took her away.

Oh this pain is the worst pain I've ever felt. To come home and her not be here.... Kills me every day. Oh we have cried and cried, everyday. To not be able to call her to me, to have her jump on my bed to cuddle and snuggle up to, to hold her on my chest on the couch when she wanted attention, to not be able to look over the side of my bed and see her sleeping on her own bed.

It's been hard to eat. I keep thinking, she wasn't able to... why should I eat so freely. And even if I tried, it make me sick. I'm just not able to eat a somewhat full meal.

Every song on the radio is about love, and missing you's, and that shit. I cry everyday, every song. Every channel had something to do about love.... I can't stand it.

This is the 5th night without her. It's so lonely without her. 15 years of a life with her, and now life is without her. I can feel her spirit still here, I keep wanting to hear her lapping up water from her bowl, scratching up the carpet or her bed to make it more comfortable. I've been crying throughout this entire posting.... It feels like just yesterday that this all happened.

We put her beds and belongings in a space saver bad yesterday.... It's hard to see the spots where they were so empty. I keep looking around for them. I keep feeling like I can just go back to the vet and pick her up and put her on her leash and go home.
But I can't.
I can't....

I wish I could've taken her pain away from her and her still be here. I'd be happy then.

I wrapped my stuffed hippo with her blanket and have been sleeping with it every night. I miss being able to cuddle with her after she had a fresh bath, or without a bath, I didn't care. To be able to feel her fur again... To be able to rest my head on hers and just breathe in her doggy smell. lol. I would kill for that right now. I'd give anything for it. I'd give anything to have her back.... When she was pain free, eating again (she used to eat so quickly you thought she WAS starving), but she always use to be fat so you knew she wasn't starving.... She was skinny for her.... And I hated to see it.

My dear sweet brandygirl,
I will always love you. Miss you. And you will always have a place in my heart and be in my heart. You were always there to love me, never judge me, and all you wanted was love in return... and food and water.... and to go potty. lol. You comforted me if I was sad, made sure I was ok if I was hurt, and wanted to be with me no matter what my day had been like.
I wish I was able to see you again. To love on you again.
Just know there was nothing but love for you, forever and always. You touched my heart like no other.
You are family. You are MY family. And will ALWAYS BE family.
I have your front paws tattooed on my shoulder, so you'll never leave me. I have been wanting to do it for a while now.
I remember getting your paw prints. You were in the car and I went into the walmart to get the ink pad and paper. Came back and placed your paws in the ink then on the paper. I am so glad I did it then. I was always fearful I wouldn't get them in time....
But now I will have you forever with and on me.
I love you my beautiful Brandy. You are free from pain and hurt and hunger. Now you're able to chase rabbits and squirrels and chew on them without hurting them. Get to run around in fields of green green grass, nice sunny yet cool days, and be able to see without a problem.

My dear sweet Brandy.....

I miss you
I love you

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(no subject) [Apr. 4th, 2010|05:53 pm]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
I'm feeling down today... I have no reason to be, u just feel like i'm just useless and worthless.... I feel like I can't care about anyone or anything anymore.
I have no one to love, no one to love me, and no one that wants to love me. I don't know why I am feeling this way, nothing has happened, nothing to change from what I was just yesterday.

What is it? Why am I so depressed for absolutely no reason what so ever!? I don't like feeling this way. I feel pathetic, lonely, and tired, really really tired.

I want to have something in my life that sparks passion again. Passion of life, love, laughter, happiness....

Where did it go? What happened to the girl that was the life of the party, had boundless energy, and people that loved her. Some of it I fucked up... some of it on purpose, some of it not.... Regardless, it is done and over with it.

Anyway, that's all for now.
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(no subject) [Mar. 8th, 2010|12:33 am]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
You know, I haven't updated in a while. More so for the fact that I have left the negative influences behind me and haven't looked back.
Things are going well for me. Working two jobs, staying busy, going to the gym and getting my health back to a better state. It's been a long time since I've looked after what's in the best interest of my life. And now that I've arrived at this point in time, I like what I see and am experiencing. Getting my life straight, priorities in line, and purpose in life again.
I'm doing what I love to do, I"m getting paid for it too, and that never hurts! lol. It's like, I'm much better off here than I've been anywhere I've lived. It's like all the doors are opening up for me, and all I have to do it put forth the effort to walk through them. Granted there's been some hard times along the way, but in the long run, it's all been worth it.
When I was driving from georgia to here for 12 hours, there were times I wish I would just fall asleep at the wheel and never have to deal with anything ever again. I look back on that now as such foolishness. I wouldn't say I was broken hearted, i just had a tear in it. And now it's fully mended and I'm not bothering with love anytime soon, not intentionally at least.
But what ever happens happens, but I refuse allow any negative things to happen in my life. I won't let that happen again, and I will never be in a position where I can't take care of myself for any reason. I'm getting there and there's no turning back.

I'm proud of myself again. It's been too many years since i've been proud of myself, and I will always make are reason to be proud of myself.

I did it. Don't you see I've done it! And it is always getting better! I've grown up, I've become a better person and who I want to become. I'm becoming me again, a me I thought I couldn't get back again. And I'm happy again. Happy for no reason. No depression, no anger (ok well maybe some anger, but not as much), no negative thoughts or feelings!

I'm just.... Better.
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(no subject) [Jan. 30th, 2010|02:39 am]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
it's nice to talk to him again like we used to. lol. makes me laugh so hard i cry...lol. talk about the shit we used to talk about just cause it's interesting. it feels like i'm there but not, but like where we began not where it ended. i love to be able to talk to him again and not think about anything from the past, but just accept and like what we are now. i have my best friend back :-)

Step by step... oh baby.... gonna get to you giiiirrrrrlllll!!!! lol
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