|The hardest thing i'll have to ever write....
||[Apr. 13th, 2010|12:44 am]
Yama Kawa, Mountian River
Thursday started out ok. I went to the petsmart to get her new food in hopes that she would start eating again. Got lots of food. She was with me, and I tried to put her in the cart so she wouldn't have to worry about running into things. She didn't like that and kinda freaked out, so I took her out of the cart. When ever I stopped she would sprawl out on the ground as if she was exhausted. I had to drag her pretty much everywhere we went in there. I was so worried that she would run into things, so I went slowly and made sure she didn't. I tried giving her a treat that they have at the register... she wouldn't even lick it. She stopped in the middle of the road on the way to the car. Got startled when I opened the car door to let her in.
Opened 2 cans and she wouldn't touch them. Got her vitamins to help with her joints, she wouldn't touch it either.
So I went to take her to go potty, and she had such a hard time going down the stairs.... stumbled at the last steps.... Hesitated at the second set of stairs... only 5 steps though. But she had a hard time none the less. She stopped in the middle of the street, like she was unsure of where she was, where she was going. Finally I coaxed her to the grass, she went potty.... the again, and the one last time. She was getting confused where to go next. Wondering where I was, where I was taking her, which was only back up the stairs into the house.
Again, stopped in the middle of the road and I had to tug on her to come with me. We went really slowly up the stairs, which she stumbled.... Taking her time to make sure she was able to see each step... it was hard for her to do that, she was loosing her sight. The right eye was blocked from the ulcers she got in it, so it clotted up with blood. It was that or remove the eye, I couldn't do that to her. Her left eye had cataracts.... She would have a hard time finding us when we called her to us. Couldn't see where you were unless you moved around.
Finally got up the stairs.
Tried feeding her again.... all she would do is drink her water. EVen then she drank so much of it on an empty stomach it came up a bit. And so I bring her to her bed, and she was shaking. She'd been shaky for a couple of days, I was hoping it wasn't anything. Thinking it might have been because it was the bath i gave her a couple of days before. But I knew it wasn't.
I called my mom, asking what I should do, I had a bad feeling and I wanted to make sure she'd be ok. I was thinking she'd just need more pain meds because she might have severe arthritis, so i was hoping they'd give me something for her to take, and to something to make her eat.
I took her to the vet... They ordered blood work, and I was hoping it wouldn't be anything. Just making sure nothing was wrong. The vet came back.... Told me she thinks brandy has kidney failure, needed to do a urinalysis to be 100%. And It was kidney failure.... During this entire time brandy's body was shaking non stop. And when the vet told me this, I broke down and cried.... Asked what could we do.... Can we cure it?
The vet said "i'd have to prescribe a special kind of food, do I.V. Fluids every episode of pain, but won't give her any pain meds."
I didn't like the sound of this, to prolong brandy's life like this.... One which would have been painful... One which would have been her starving herself cause she wasn't feeling good.... Not eating... shaking uncontrollably.... knowing that she was in pain....
I couldn't do that to her. 15 years of this beautiful girl, this loving caring and unconditional love.... I couldn't let her live in pain just for my selfishness of wanting her here.
I called my mom and told her to get to the vet asap.
When she came I told her what was going on, and what we should do.
She agreed.... To let her go was the best thing for her. We didn't want her to get worse and worse while we knew she was in pain, and to prolong her pain wasn't fair to her. We needed to let her go... for her.
WE cried, oh god we cried.
They took her back to put the IV tube thing in her arm.... brought her back and gave us some time to tell her we loved her, and we are doing this because we love her.
She licked our tears away... I don't think she was scared, but I don't know if she knew what was going on, just that we were sad. She didn't like seeing us sad, or hurting. And vice versa. During this entire time she was still shaking.
I Put her in my lap.... and held her while the vet administered the sedation meds.
Her body went completely limp... She became so heavy, no movement of her body. I wasn't expecting it to be so quick like that. I was hoping she would slowly go to sleep while I was able to pet her asleep. IT was too quick.
Finally, the vet gave the final meds to let her go. Her last breaths were so heartbreaking. Three last breaths.... Then nothing..... I was so scared she might have been in pain, but she wasn't.
The vet left and gave us as much time as we needed.
I held her so close to me. Crying out OH GOD NO. PLEASE NO. I stroked her face, I pressed my head to her head... Saying "oh god I'm sorry brandy... oh i'm so sorry... please understand and forgive me"
It felt like I had killed her. That maybe I had just done the wrong thing.... I wanted to reverse it, change my mind and make them bring her back
But I knew that what was just done was for the best for her.
She was pain free. Not starving herself to death. No holding on just for us, even though she was in pain.
We didn't know she was in pain because of her kidneys until that day. Thought it was just because she was old and her joints were getting bad.
Finally, we had to let her go. My mom lifted her onto the counter.... Her limp body not resisting being put on there like she usually did.... She was gone, she couldn't.
I hugged her, kissed her goodbye, and the vet. assistant picked her up and took her away.
Oh this pain is the worst pain I've ever felt. To come home and her not be here.... Kills me every day. Oh we have cried and cried, everyday. To not be able to call her to me, to have her jump on my bed to cuddle and snuggle up to, to hold her on my chest on the couch when she wanted attention, to not be able to look over the side of my bed and see her sleeping on her own bed.
It's been hard to eat. I keep thinking, she wasn't able to... why should I eat so freely. And even if I tried, it make me sick. I'm just not able to eat a somewhat full meal.
Every song on the radio is about love, and missing you's, and that shit. I cry everyday, every song. Every channel had something to do about love.... I can't stand it.
This is the 5th night without her. It's so lonely without her. 15 years of a life with her, and now life is without her. I can feel her spirit still here, I keep wanting to hear her lapping up water from her bowl, scratching up the carpet or her bed to make it more comfortable. I've been crying throughout this entire posting.... It feels like just yesterday that this all happened.
We put her beds and belongings in a space saver bad yesterday.... It's hard to see the spots where they were so empty. I keep looking around for them. I keep feeling like I can just go back to the vet and pick her up and put her on her leash and go home.
But I can't.
I wish I could've taken her pain away from her and her still be here. I'd be happy then.
I wrapped my stuffed hippo with her blanket and have been sleeping with it every night. I miss being able to cuddle with her after she had a fresh bath, or without a bath, I didn't care. To be able to feel her fur again... To be able to rest my head on hers and just breathe in her doggy smell. lol. I would kill for that right now. I'd give anything for it. I'd give anything to have her back.... When she was pain free, eating again (she used to eat so quickly you thought she WAS starving), but she always use to be fat so you knew she wasn't starving.... She was skinny for her.... And I hated to see it.
My dear sweet brandygirl,
I will always love you. Miss you. And you will always have a place in my heart and be in my heart. You were always there to love me, never judge me, and all you wanted was love in return... and food and water.... and to go potty. lol. You comforted me if I was sad, made sure I was ok if I was hurt, and wanted to be with me no matter what my day had been like.
I wish I was able to see you again. To love on you again.
Just know there was nothing but love for you, forever and always. You touched my heart like no other.
You are family. You are MY family. And will ALWAYS BE family.
I have your front paws tattooed on my shoulder, so you'll never leave me. I have been wanting to do it for a while now.
I remember getting your paw prints. You were in the car and I went into the walmart to get the ink pad and paper. Came back and placed your paws in the ink then on the paper. I am so glad I did it then. I was always fearful I wouldn't get them in time....
But now I will have you forever with and on me.
I love you my beautiful Brandy. You are free from pain and hurt and hunger. Now you're able to chase rabbits and squirrels and chew on them without hurting them. Get to run around in fields of green green grass, nice sunny yet cool days, and be able to see without a problem.
My dear sweet Brandy.....
I miss you
I love you